October 29th, 2012

Hurrican’t

So if you haven’t heard, the Northeastern part of the USA (also known as Waspy Wasp Waspville) is getting slammed by Hurricane Sandy. Slammed, like, Hulk Hogan body slam. Not slammed, like, Hulk Hogan sex tape. Which I watched. OH GOD. He had sex with a woman who has a canopy bed. A CANOPY BED. Canopy sounds like canoe - canoes are great in hurricanes.

SEGUE 

Back to today and the hurricane. Basically it’s raining and the wind is bonkers. It’s how I image the wake of Paula Deen walking by feels like. And so this is what I’m wearing today. It’s 80% “I give up” and “20% I can answer the door if a neighbor comes by to ask to borrow eggs.” In the three years I’ve lived here that’s never happened - but if it did I imagine my response would be me pointing to my vagina and saying “fresh out.” 

I bought this sweater from Forever21 and after I had worn it for a couple days I found out it’s a men’s sweater. Take that, social norms/my taste in clothing!  But I still love it. It’s shapeless and neutral and cheap - JUST LIKE I LIKE MY …. sweaters. (pervs)  Also, to the naked eye, it might look like I’m wearing ill-fitting sweatpants but actually I’m wearing FANCY ill-fitting sweatpants. They’re fancy because they’re from the GAP and they were more expensive than sweatpants should ever be.  But I bought them because I wanted to feel like a woman for half a second in my whole damn life.  And they do make me feel like a woman. A woman who had a growth spurt and no longer fits into her fancy sweatpants.

The moccasin slippers and fake glasses complete the “I’ll-be-sipping-gin-and-dancing-to-Pandora-music-all-day-until-Pandora-tries-to-sneak-a-Green-Day-song-into-my-mix-then-I’ll-be-pissed-and-turn-it-off-and-probably-watch-TV-for-like-a-half-hour-then-maybe-go-back-to-Pandora-but-like-who-really-knows-YOLO-I-hate-myself” outfit.

Sweater: Forever21 MENS

Sweatpants: GAP

Slippers: Target

Glasses: I don’t want to talk about it

August 29th, 2012

Walk of Shame

I won’t lie to you.  I’m not wearing this outfit today.  I wore it last week.  In fact I wore these pants every. single. day. last week.  Why?  Because shut up.  They’re from the Gap and they’re called “Boyfriend Jeans.”  I think the Gap is trying to make my ‘walk of shames’ more fashionable. THANKS GAP.

I got this shirt/sweater (shweater) at H&M for less than the cost of 10 twix bars (there goes my lunch *sad slide whistle*).  I like it because it’s shapeless and boxy.  I LIKE MY CLOTHES LIKE I LIKE MY MEN: SQUARE, ILL FITTING AND ONLY BLACK OR WHITE.  Sike.  I like Enrique Iglesias sometimes too.  I don’t think that man can take a shit without being sexual.

And then I put this necklace that looks like it came from some science museum gift shop with it.  I never wear necklaces, they’re too unpredictable. They’re a liability.  They can get caught on/around/in so many things/people.  The last thing I need is to walk off a subway and get my ode-to-geodes-necklace stuck on a homeless man’s indoor-shopping-cart-trash-palace.  Where did he get the shopping carts from!?  Doesn’t matter because now I’ve become his homeless garbage castle bride and we reign over the third to last car on the F train. Our castle moat is a spilled bottle of red bull and our draw bridge is a petrified piece of my king’s own shit.  ALL THANKS TO MY AWESOME NECKLACE.

Shirt: H&M

Jeans: Gap

Shoes: H&M

Necklace: Maybe Express?

August 7th, 2012

Leprechaun Mom

Tuesday August 7th 2012

Oh look I bought a new shirt because if I have even 5 minutes of down time in Manhattan I’ll buy clothes and call it “running errands.”  AND I decided to wear it immediately the same way all the track Olympians carry their country’s flag over their shoulders when they win a race.  This is my victory lap…from all that errand running.  USAIN BOLT AND I ARE SO SIMILAR.

Fun story. I bought this shirt at a Forever21 in midtown. Their air conditioning was broken.  It was three floors and full of Russian tourists wearing ALL the eyeliner and ALL the Pumas.  And right as I was at that “I-gotta-leave-this-store-before-I-have-an-overheated-overwhelmed-claustrophobic-verbal-panic-attack-while-taking-down-racks-of-flannel-half-shirts-and-high-heeled-construction-boots” point an employee named Cecil recognized me from DailyGrace. So cool!  So I tried to swallow my panic attack to form sentences.  Which worked out mediumly.  So Cecil, if you’re reading this, I don’t have a learning disability, I was just trying to bury anxiety while buying a shirt a TD bank employee would wear.

Also I’m wearing shorts because it’s humid as fuck outside right now.  It’s like being birthed from a woman wearing underwear made of sweatpants every second.  Concrete jungle!

Note: I KNOW the shirt needs to be ironed. Relax.

Shirt: Forever21

Shorts: Forever21

Shoes: Charlotte Russe

Earrings: H&M

July 31st, 2012

Lesbian Librarian

Tuesday July 31st, 2012

ERMAHGERD. Hide your kids, hide your knives. Yes, I’m back with another post on this “as reliable as a Maury father” blog. Why? Because I woke up ultra hungover (surprise…yeah right) and decided to do that I’m-going-to-do-so-many-things-today-to-trick-my-brain-into-thinking-I’m-not-a-total-piece-of-shit thing that I like to do sometimes.  It’s my own method of self improvement.  If interested, my self help book will be called A Panic Attack is Opportunity in A Shallow Breathing Disguise. Download it on iTunes.

Any(Dr.)who, today I ended up looking like a lesbian librarian.  Does librarian still exist as a job?  Obama 2012.  Whenever I’m hungover I like to wear things that are slightly oversized and mostly underwhelming.  Hooray!  And that’s where this gem was birthed.  Let it be known that I am also PMSing (TMI? Oh please, have you SEEN the crazy shit the internet has to offer?).  PMS, to me, stands for Probably More Shopping.  When I’m bloated I think I’m loaded* and I buy clothes to feel something other than my own vagina.  So the other day I went to TopShop (IN HONOR OF THE OLYMPICS….BECAUSE IT’S A BRITISH STORE) and H&M (in honor of David Beckham who was sort of part of the Olympics and in an H&M campaign maybe) and decided to wear most of my new things immediately.  Why?  Because 1. I always wear clothes I just bought immediately so I can validate my impractical self for having purchased them and 2. I treat most of my hangovers like New Years Day - I usually feel so shitty that I try to pick myself up by mentally announcing today as a “new beginning” represented partially through new clothing (and partially through POSTING ON A BLOG I HAVEN’T POSTED ON IN MONTHS).

The shoes, however, are very symbolic of the interior state of my body today. A mess.

Also I’m wearing a bracelet and I haven’t been in the physical presence of another human being all day. WHAT.

Shirt: TopShop

Cardigan: H&M

Shorts: Old Navy (originally jeans that I cut…BECAUSE I’M SO CREATIVE)

Shoe: TopShop

Bracelet: Urban Outfitters

Rings: H&M

*If interested, my book of poetry will be called A Panic Attack is So Whack Vol 7





January 23rd, 2012
Monday January 23rd, 2012
Yes, I realize I haven’t updated this blog in a long time.  And that’s due in part to numerous horse shit excuses valid reasons:
The battery to my camera remote died (you see, I use the remote to take pictures of myself because I like to accomplish all of my vain activities alone before I share them with everyone on the internet and the concept of getting someone else to take the photos is FAR TOO SOCIALLY OVERWHELMING)
I have yet to buy a new remote battery on account of I am lazier than an overweight tween with no arms or legs or ambition 
But I did manage to add “buy remote battery” to my to-do list today.  I feel like Tava Smiley from TLC’s short-lived “Clean House” should be giving me a weird hug-high-five combo to celebrate me being not the complete picture of awfulness.  Fun story, I originally thought it was ‘Travis’ Smiley from Clean House.  Turns out, not the case.
Also, I decided to post this entry to give me some sort of social accountability to update this piece of shit fun blog!  
So here’s what I’m wearing today:
A mens Russell brand gray sweatshirt (ha, Russell Brand - I saw him at a juice place the other day - his head is like an Easter Island statue). This sweatshirt says “I fart into my couch cushions”.   
A pair of pink and purple tie-dyed Old Navy pajama pants cut into capris. I tie-dyed these in high school with a couple of girls on my track team to wear to track meets because that’s what you do in the suburbs when you aren’t getting stoned or pregnant or abortioned.
Wowie zowie this blog entry got sad and cynical fast! That’s what she said! Me said it!
Hopefully they’ll be more entries coming soon!  But don’t hope too hard!  Just hope a medium amount!

Monday January 23rd, 2012

Yes, I realize I haven’t updated this blog in a long time.  And that’s due in part to numerous horse shit excuses valid reasons:

  • The battery to my camera remote died (you see, I use the remote to take pictures of myself because I like to accomplish all of my vain activities alone before I share them with everyone on the internet and the concept of getting someone else to take the photos is FAR TOO SOCIALLY OVERWHELMING)
  • I have yet to buy a new remote battery on account of I am lazier than an overweight tween with no arms or legs or ambition 

But I did manage to add “buy remote battery” to my to-do list today.  I feel like Tava Smiley from TLC’s short-lived “Clean House” should be giving me a weird hug-high-five combo to celebrate me being not the complete picture of awfulness.  Fun story, I originally thought it was ‘Travis’ Smiley from Clean House.  Turns out, not the case.

Also, I decided to post this entry to give me some sort of social accountability to update this piece of shit fun blog!  

So here’s what I’m wearing today:

  • A mens Russell brand gray sweatshirt (ha, Russell Brand - I saw him at a juice place the other day - his head is like an Easter Island statue). This sweatshirt says “I fart into my couch cushions”.   
  • A pair of pink and purple tie-dyed Old Navy pajama pants cut into capris. I tie-dyed these in high school with a couple of girls on my track team to wear to track meets because that’s what you do in the suburbs when you aren’t getting stoned or pregnant or abortioned.

Wowie zowie this blog entry got sad and cynical fast! That’s what she said! Me said it!

Hopefully they’ll be more entries coming soon!  But don’t hope too hard!  Just hope a medium amount!

June 3rd, 2011

Get off the stage, Summer.

Friday June 3rd, 2011

To be honest, I don’t know what sort of outfit this is.  I kept putting on things, and then putting on things, and then eating funfetti icing out of the can, and then putting on other things and ended up with this.  And to be honester, I’m probably going to take it off and put on different things after I’m done typing about taking this off after I’m done typing.  AH! THE MATRIX.  Get out of here, actor Keanu Reeves! 

Anytwizzlers, this is what I’ve come up with for today.  I guess it’s prep-school-child meets painter-who-got-a-stupid-amount-of-paint-on-their-shorts meets girl-who-drunkingly-ordered-too-many-Forever21.com-accessories. Something like that.

And speaking of summer, it’s here!  It’s here big time.  There was no Spring.  It’s like if the four seasons (not the hotel) had a karaoke night, winter was being all hoggy and drunk and singing stupid songs from like Wicked over and over and over and Spring was like super politely waiting just to sing her one favorite Jewel song (the one about how she’s got her eggs and her pancakes too - wait, is that a metaphor?  is Jewel a hermaphrodite?) and then Winter fiiiiinally is like ‘omg you guys are so awesome but i have to pee lolololol’ and she leaves and then Spring is about to take the mic but then Summer like realizes that she doesn’t want any more of her stupid chicken fingers (that she HAD to order) and she grabs her vodka cranberry and pushes Spring out of the way and is like ‘what’s up my bitches lololol’ and then starts singing every Bon Jovi song ever made.

You know?

Shirt: Urban Outfitters

Sweater: Urban Outfitters

Shorts: French Connection (via Hautelook)

Shoes: Forever21

Necklace: Forever21

Watch: Urban Outfitters


May 3rd, 2011

as cute as those brown boots are you should probably get another pair of boots and those forever 21 shorts are stupid (sorry?) also get tighter pants when you wear those sweater over tshirt combos that you do a lot.
-THE QUEEN OF COMEDY
Asketh - Anonymous

I will take all of these things into consideration, my queen.

May 2nd, 2011

Boys Will Be Girls

Monday May 2nd 2011 

To be fair, I didn’t wear this outfit today.  I lied to you so much.  I wore it yesterday.  Today I’ve been wearing my white trash sweatpants (complete with raw cookie dough stains - BECAUSE WHO HAS TIME TO COOK!?) and my You’ve Been Hazed T-shirt because my stomach has been hazing me all day.  Lobster salad at midnight?  What were you thinking, self!?

Anywhovilles, this is what I wore on Sunday because Sunday is SUNDAY FUNDAY!  It’s not.  It’s just Sunday … day. 

I’m newly in lust with these shorts.  I found them on Hautelook(dot com) in a French Connection boutique and OH LA LA I’m in les love.  I’ve worn them so much I should have definitely already washed them but who cares about hygiene when you’re in LES LOVE?!  

Not this girl.

Also I think I mentioned this is previous posts but I’m going to reiterate how much I love oversized shirts on account of they hide bloating from PMS and/or late night lobster salads.  FUCK YOU, LOBSTER SALAD, EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE DELICIOUS AND I WILL ALMOST DEFINITELY ORDER YOU AGAIN.

Shirt: Forever21

Shorts: French Connection (via Hautelook)

Shoes: Target

Bracelets/Watch: Forever21



April 9th, 2011

Working 9 to five shots of tequila please. HAHAHA!

Saturday April 9th, 2011

I’m going to be completely honest with you.  I’ve been wearing this outfit for two days straight.  Why?  Because I’m a lazy human woman.  Why else?  Because it’s comfortable.  And, yes I know, Clinton and Stacy* would cut out my labia rip it in half and throw it in a prop trash can for saying that but it’s just the truth.  

The other day I showed you how to iron this shirt in a Daily Grace video.  And after that I thought, “oh, this is ironed now.  I should probably wear this.”  (The thoughts I think to myself are SERIOUSLY WILD, you guyz).  So, kablam,  I wore it.  

I prefer wearing baggy/oversized tops over almost everything else in the world (aside from capes).  And I also really like mixing men’s style clothing with lady-type things.  I like to keep people wondering 1. if I’m pregnant and 2. if I’m a lesbian.  Hanging out with me is a very confusing experience.  

Also, this watch doesn’t work! HAHA!  IT DOESN’T EVEN WORK A LITTLE BIT!  HAHAHAHA!  I BOUGHT IT FROM URBANOUTFITTERS.COM AND IT CAME BROKEN!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT A STORY!  

Someone please fix it for me. 

Shirt: Urban Outfitters

Leggings: Urban Outfitters

Boots: Forever21

Watch: Urban Outfitters (hahahahaha!)

Bracelets: Forever21

Necklace: Forever21

Lipstick: Covergirl (325 Spellbound Envoutee)

*If you understand this reference I think you and I would probably have lovely brunch conversations if we were ever in a brunch scenario where we had to converse. 

April 4th, 2011

Well, FUCK, Spring, it’s about god damn time…

Monday April 4th, 2011

There’s no better way to spend a beautiful spring day than sitting inside my apartment blogging away on my computer to the sounds of children playing, dogs barking, joggers jogging and old people yelling at the three aforementioned.

And that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Yes!  Today feels like Spring might finally be here.  But Mother Nature, like most Mother’s, has been a tricky bitch the past few weeks so I’m keeping my expectations low.    

But that doesn’t mean I can’t dress like I’m ready to mistake a street lamp for a Maypole and dance like a thundercat around it.  

And that’s also exactly what I’m doing today.

I was feeling down the other day so I did what any functional girl would do.  I filled the crap out of a Forever21.com cart and clicked “check out” so aggressively it was like Obama had announced that the nuclear waste from Japan had destroyed the US’s supply of chocolate.  

My order was delivered yesterday and I usually like to wear all my new clothes IMMEDIATELY so I feel like I got my money’s worth before I change my mind and hate everything I purchased.  BEING A GIRL IS SO HARD.

Tunic: Forever21

Leggings: Urban Outfitters

Boots: Forever21

Bracelets: Forever21

(Also, look for a video tutorial on this makeup look in the next week or so - I’ll link to it when it’s live!)