Tuesday, March 8th 2011
Today is a day to celebrate boobs! On so many levels! It’s both International Women’s Day and Fat Tuesday. Fat Women’s Day. And how did I incorporate these holidays into my ensemble?!
I didn’t. I just put clothes on. Get over it.
In hindsight, though, I could say I dressed myself as a scholarly young woman who’s hungry for Louisiana peen and regret.
Basically, I’ve developed a new found love for these old jeans. There were in the bottom on my pants drawer and every time I looked at them I thought, “Flares? Really, Helbig? Is this 1999?” Then I’d sigh, high five myself and put on some skinny jeans.
But not anymore! I bought these jeans at the Gap probably two or three years ago on sale for something like $9.99 or $14.99. Because, when I go into a Gap I’m all Clearance rack or bust! I’m not paying $49.95 for a t-shirt. You can take my land but you can never take my FREEEEDOM!
Editor’s Note: The Gap has never tried to take my land or my freedom. But they did make me go “ew!” when they tried to debut that new logo. Get real, Gap.
Sweater: Urban Outfitters
Tank: Urban Outfitters
Monday March 7th 2011
So the other week I had an audition for a crime scene investigation-type show. And I thought “Okay, what do women on those shows wear?” I responded to my own silent brain question with “Oh, they wear man clothes and they keep their hair down-ish to remind everyone that they have a vagina.” And then I re-responded to my brain with “Let’s get candy!” And then “You should really clean your bathroom first.” And then “Oh really? You should SHUT UP.” And then…
I forgot what I was doing and checked my email again.
But I did put together this very sexually ambiguous ensemble. The blue shirt is, in fact, a boy hand-me-down. It’s got the yellow pit stains to prove it. P.S.- Scientists, can you, like, get your shit together and invent a fabric that doesn’t get pit stains? I mean, like, we have pajama pants that look like JEANS and knives that cut bricks AND tomatos but we still can’t figure out how keep our arm pits from sweating? Like, seriously, scientists, you’re pissing me off. And then…
I forgot what I was ranting about and checked my email again.
But I did, in keeping with Dexter’s sister-wife style, keep my hair down to allude to the fact that I am capable of bearing children. And then I threw on this pink scarf because WHY THE FUCK NOT?! I’m wild! I look like a crazy wild timid director! RAWR! And then…
I didn’t get the part. But I checked the crap out of my email.
Shirt: Boy Hand Me Down
Scarf: Old Navy
Necklace: Christmas gift from SANTA