Tuesday, March 8th 2011
Today is a day to celebrate boobs! On so many levels! It’s both International Women’s Day and Fat Tuesday. Fat Women’s Day. And how did I incorporate these holidays into my ensemble?!
I didn’t. I just put clothes on. Get over it.
In hindsight, though, I could say I dressed myself as a scholarly young woman who’s hungry for Louisiana peen and regret.
Basically, I’ve developed a new found love for these old jeans. There were in the bottom on my pants drawer and every time I looked at them I thought, “Flares? Really, Helbig? Is this 1999?” Then I’d sigh, high five myself and put on some skinny jeans.
But not anymore! I bought these jeans at the Gap probably two or three years ago on sale for something like $9.99 or $14.99. Because, when I go into a Gap I’m all Clearance rack or bust! I’m not paying $49.95 for a t-shirt. You can take my land but you can never take my FREEEEDOM!
Editor’s Note: The Gap has never tried to take my land or my freedom. But they did make me go “ew!” when they tried to debut that new logo. Get real, Gap.
Sweater: Urban Outfitters
Tank: Urban Outfitters
Monday March 7th 2011
So the other week I had an audition for a crime scene investigation-type show. And I thought “Okay, what do women on those shows wear?” I responded to my own silent brain question with “Oh, they wear man clothes and they keep their hair down-ish to remind everyone that they have a vagina.” And then I re-responded to my brain with “Let’s get candy!” And then “You should really clean your bathroom first.” And then “Oh really? You should SHUT UP.” And then…
I forgot what I was doing and checked my email again.
But I did put together this very sexually ambiguous ensemble. The blue shirt is, in fact, a boy hand-me-down. It’s got the yellow pit stains to prove it. P.S.- Scientists, can you, like, get your shit together and invent a fabric that doesn’t get pit stains? I mean, like, we have pajama pants that look like JEANS and knives that cut bricks AND tomatos but we still can’t figure out how keep our arm pits from sweating? Like, seriously, scientists, you’re pissing me off. And then…
I forgot what I was ranting about and checked my email again.
But I did, in keeping with Dexter’s sister-wife style, keep my hair down to allude to the fact that I am capable of bearing children. And then I threw on this pink scarf because WHY THE FUCK NOT?! I’m wild! I look like a crazy wild timid director! RAWR! And then…
I didn’t get the part. But I checked the crap out of my email.
Shirt: Boy Hand Me Down
Scarf: Old Navy
Necklace: Christmas gift from SANTA
Monday, February 8th 2011
Yes, I may have run out of clean jeans today, but I also spoke (alongside a myriad of intelligent/like, really cool girls) at a social media panel tonight, so I thought a dress-thing might be a good choice. It meant I could make as many cooter/peen jokes as I wanted and still feel respected, because a dress as we all know = someone who must have their shit
buried in a weird place we cannot see together.
Also! SOMEONE BUY ME SHOTS! Because I’m for-fucking-ever 21 all over the place tonight. Forever21 year old dress to Forever21 year old boot. Which is funny, because this dress is called a “life in progress” dress. And if I wore this dress when I was actually 21 I think people would have called it the “she must be catholic or infertile” dress. FOUR YEARS CHANGES EVERYTHING. Stay in school, kids. Wear condoms. Etc.
Monday January 31st 2011
…and all I got was
this lousy top. piece of fabric that might be too cool for me but I felt pressure to buy it because all the KEWL employees with weird glasses and watches that didn’t actually work were staring at me
However, in hindsight, which is now present time, I like this shirt. It has STRIPES. And for those of you that don’t know - I LOVE STRIPES. Also, it’s baggy and allows me to feel like it’s totally okay to eat cheesecake for breakfast. Because that’s what I did yesterday. And it was totally okay…if not completely awesome.
But, yes, yesterday was actually my first adventure into an American Apparel. I had purchased a Groupon months ago to get $50 of American Apparel for $25 and it was about to expire. So I pumped myself up, I listened to some sweet Jock Jams (because it’s IRONIC, not because…I like it….or anything…) and I went in.
I’d say like 20% of the clothes were kewl and then 50% were trying to make you think they were kewl by being really weird and then 30% of the clothes were just weird. And EVERYTHING was expensive. Leggings for $42? Look, I don’t care how hip* the girl at the register with the fro-hawk and layered body suits looks, I’m not going to pay $42 for spandex that makes me feel like my butt is trying to run away with the spoon.
But I got a neat jacket along with this shirt. Look for it soon.
*I said hip. I am my father.
Shirt: American Apparel
Boots: Steve Madden
Necklace: Gifted from SANTA (my Step Mom)
Friday January 28th, 2011
So, I finally received this Etsy sweater I ordered the other day (see: previous post relating to Etsy cherry popping). Which was great! Because I was starting to be all like fuck this etsy bitch, where are my clothes, I don’t want to have to swim through my inbox and email her and be all like hi how are you (i don’t care) so are you, like, sending me my clothes…or…., ehh I probably won’t do that, I don’t like conflict, I’ll just swallow the cash, ugh I hate swallowing cash because I’m a pussy, remember that reality show about the gay couple and the one was all upset because the other one was constantly losing them money because he never checked to see if he was charged the right amount for things, what was that show called….SHOOT I’m like 95% sure it was on TLC, why does my apartment smell like farts AGAIN!? I’m the only one living here and I’m not farting…”
So, I’m really glad it finally came.
Though, it’s a smidge (spellcheck is telling me smidge is not a word!) more cropped than I assumed. And I have a short torso that I’m a SMIDGE (take that, computer! you don’t own me like that Jeopardy computer does!) bummed about, so I usually try to wear a longer tank under shorter shirts to balance out the proportions. MATH! But as of late I’m thinking tank-under-shirt looks weird. Does it look weird? You don’t really have to answer that. I’m not like your single dad asking which Christmas presents were better, his or your mom’s.
OHMYGAWD WHAT WAS THAT SHOW CALLED?!
Tuesday, January 25th 2011
Yes today I look and feel like a Hamburglar Princess. Like, if there was a McDonald’s video game (which probably exists) I’d be the princess in the Condiment Castle that gets rescued after the Hamburglar successfully evades the treacherous Health Inspector.
I never liked video games. I liked tetris. And Pokemon Stadium. But only the mini-game part, not the actual stadium fighting part. Sushi-Go-Round anyone? ANYONE? Sigh. *Unlocks the trunk of razors*
BAHAHA JOKE. They’re not in a trunk.
I really like this shirt. And the first time I wore it I wondered, “is this and obnoxious shirt?” But then I got some compliments on it, and I thought “kewl.”
But then I was like, “were they just complimenting me because I caught them staring at me because this shirt IS an obnoxious shirt and to cover up they said it looks nice?” ”And now maybe they’re spending their ENTIRE day talking with each other about how obnoxious my shirt was?”
And then finally a lady was like “ma’am you have to get out of the ball pit, it’s for McDonald’s customers only. And also only for children.”
BAHAHA JOKE. There was no woman, it was after hours.
Jeans: Old Navy
Thursday, January 20th 2011
Yes, today I look like a Mormon caterer. Who wants some rosemary potatoes!?
OH PLEASE! Cool your jets. Seriously, cool it.
Today I had an audition where I had to “dress conservatively” and this is what I came up with. Afterwards, I filmed some stuff at the Central Park Zoo with John Basedow so I thought this ensemble was fitting enough for the polar bears (who most likely see in black and white anyway) be like, hey that girl seems like she catered (PUN!) her outfit to us so let’s walk around and shit so she can get a kewl shot of us with her flip camera.
And I did. I shot the crap out of their mangy, MANGY fur with my flip camera. Eesh, what a terrible existence. Look for the video soon. Also, I ate oysters today…sooo….kewl day.
Also also, I was Forever21 HEAD TO TOE. I think the animals could feel it. They all kept trying to roofie me.