Hurrican’t

So if you haven’t heard, the Northeastern part of the USA (also known as Waspy Wasp Waspville) is getting slammed by Hurricane Sandy. Slammed, like, Hulk Hogan body slam. Not slammed, like, Hulk Hogan sex tape. Which I watched. OH GOD. He had sex with a woman who has a canopy bed. A CANOPY BED. Canopy sounds like canoe - canoes are great in hurricanes.

SEGUE 

Back to today and the hurricane. Basically it’s raining and the wind is bonkers. It’s how I image the wake of Paula Deen walking by feels like. And so this is what I’m wearing today. It’s 80% “I give up” and “20% I can answer the door if a neighbor comes by to ask to borrow eggs.” In the three years I’ve lived here that’s never happened - but if it did I imagine my response would be me pointing to my vagina and saying “fresh out.” 

I bought this sweater from Forever21 and after I had worn it for a couple days I found out it’s a men’s sweater. Take that, social norms/my taste in clothing!  But I still love it. It’s shapeless and neutral and cheap - JUST LIKE I LIKE MY …. sweaters. (pervs)  Also, to the naked eye, it might look like I’m wearing ill-fitting sweatpants but actually I’m wearing FANCY ill-fitting sweatpants. They’re fancy because they’re from the GAP and they were more expensive than sweatpants should ever be.  But I bought them because I wanted to feel like a woman for half a second in my whole damn life.  And they do make me feel like a woman. A woman who had a growth spurt and no longer fits into her fancy sweatpants.

The moccasin slippers and fake glasses complete the “I’ll-be-sipping-gin-and-dancing-to-Pandora-music-all-day-until-Pandora-tries-to-sneak-a-Green-Day-song-into-my-mix-then-I’ll-be-pissed-and-turn-it-off-and-probably-watch-TV-for-like-a-half-hour-then-maybe-go-back-to-Pandora-but-like-who-really-knows-YOLO-I-hate-myself” outfit.

Sweater: Forever21 MENS

Sweatpants: GAP

Slippers: Target

Glasses: I don’t want to talk about it